


Metadata

by Laura Kaye (laurakaye)



Series: Laura's Home For Abandoned Stories [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alien Culture, Alien Rituals, Aliens Made Them Do It, Ancient Technology, Bureaucracy, Community: wip_amnesty, Fake Marriage, Hijinks & Shenanigans, John does not want a ritual bath, M/M, Mission Fic, Mission Reports, Pegasus Culture, Sharing a Body
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-02-05 09:57:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1814389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurakaye/pseuds/Laura%20Kaye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And you really think this is worth getting married for?"</p><p>Rodney gave him his You Are An Unspeakable Moron glare. "It's not like it counts," he said. "You just tick the box on the mission report form saying you don't wish the marriage to be ratified."</p><p>John stared. He knew he was kind of haphazard with his paperwork sometimes, but- "There's a tickybox for alien weddings?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Metadata

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This story is an ABANDONED WIP. What you see here is all there is, and all there will ever be. However, it contains no cliffhangers.
> 
> Where I could, I have filled in notes for what would happen in between the completed scenes [in brackets like this.]

According to the sensor reports, P4X-957 was a temperate, geologically stable world, with no detectable killer radiation or poison gas in its atmosphere. It was also traditionally left largely untroubled by the Wraith, due to, depending on who you asked, either the Protection of the Ancestors or a navigation-scrambling magnetic field around its sun coupled with the fact that its Stargate was located inconveniently in a cave that was too small to accommodate a dart.

According to Teyla and Ronon, its residents called it Bat'yen, and it was something of a tourist destination, like a combination of a nature preserve and a religious retreat that happened to feature a spa. It hadn't been high on the mission priority list - its relative safety being due to natural causes and not a conveniently obtainable shield or super laser - until the database team found references to what sounded like an Ancient educational outpost that had once been located there.

[they arrive on the planet]

The downside to having a Stargate that Wraith darts couldn't use was that jumpers couldn't use it either. They'd have to go on foot and hike to the closest city. Fortunately, as was often the case in Pegasus, the closest city was also the largest, due to the flow of commerce through the Gate. Any information worth finding would, in all likelihood, be available there.

Even though he'd been forewarned, John still found it startling to step out of the Gate and find himself facing a wall of rock. He ducked to one side, hurriedly, as Rodney came through and promptly ran full-tilt into John's back. John grabbed his arm and pulled him around to the other side of the Gate just in time to avoid a similar collision with Teyla and Ronon.

"Wow," John said, looking around. The cave certainly didn't _look_ like the entrance to a peaceful, religiously-inclined retreat planet. It looked like a demolition site.

"This is really not a bad approach," Rodney said, poking at a nearby pile of rubble. "There's no way they could get any sort of substantial machinery through here, and if they tried to blow through the wall they'd bury the Gate in a cave-in."

"Plus, if they sent troops through on foot, they'd have to go single-file through the tunnel to the surface," Ronon said. "Easy to pick them off one by one."

"There are a number of security points along the passageway," Teyla said. "The guards there can block off the tunnels if the city is threatened."

"So the Wraith usually find it easier to hunt elsewhere," John said, as they began the climb up the winding passages to the surface. "But why doesn't everyone just try to move here? It seems a lot safer than most of the other places we've been."

Ronon and Teyla exchanged looks, in the way they did when they were trying to figure out how to explain some basic and, to them, obvious concept of Pegasus culture to their teammates.

"Some do, of course," Teyla said. "But not everyone is well-suited for a religious life."

"Anyone can visit," Ronon added. "But if you want to settle here you have to take a pledge of service. Plus, Wraith or not, a lot of people don't want to leave their homes."

"Wait, wait, wait," Rodney said, looking pained. "Are you saying that everyone on this planet is some kind of _monk?_ "

Teyla blinked. "The man who cannot touch dirt?"

"No," Ronon said, "I think he means like Cadfael, with the hair."

"I told you Team Mystery Night was a bad idea," Rodney said, rolling his eyes.

"Never mind about the monks," John said hastily. "What Rodney means is, are all the inhabitants... priests or whatever? Religious workers?"

"The Bat'yeno are all pledged to religious service," Teyla said, giving John an odd look. "But they are not all priests. A civilization would not run very well with no one to care for practical needs such as food and clothing, after all. Bat'yen has its merchants and traders and soldiers just as any other world; it is just that they work for the benefit of the community as a whole, and donate their services where they are needed."

"They take in orphans," Ronon said. "Refugees from mostly-culled worlds. Elders. People who can't defend themselves and don't have anyone left to do it for them. We had a saying on Sateda - when someone had a breakdown, we said they'd gone to Bat'yen. Sometimes they actually had," he said, snorting, "but mostly we were too proud to go. Felt like giving up."

"A stay in Bat'yen can bring great mental clarity," Teyla said reprovingly. "Our people have conducted several delicate negotiations here. The lack of the Wraith threat allows one to concentrate more fully on the matters at hand."

"Also, the food's good," Ronon said, grinning.

"A matter which is also often diplomatically important," Teyla conceded, nodding to a pair of well-armed guards as they passed what lokoed like a security checkpoint. They'd come lightly armed, in accordance with Teyla's instructions, and apparently looked non-threatening enough not to be stopped by security. They passed three more checkpoints on their way to the surface, then had to stop at a larger one at the cave mouth, where they were asked to declare the purpose of their visit.

"Diplomacy," Teyla said, "and learning."

"Noble aims indeed," the guard said, and gave them all little clay disks hung from a long loop of string. Teyla and Ronon put theirs over their heads immediately; after a moment, John and Rodney followed suit. The discs hung down nearly to their waists, like the world's ugliest kindergarten craft project.

"Yentona City is down the east road," the guard said. "May the Ancestors favor your task."

"Peace of the Ancestors be upon you," Teyla said formally.

"Right. Thanks," John said, and motioned the team to start down the road. 

They walked for about ten minutes without seeing the city, which was enough time for Rodney to start bitching about the distance ("Seriously, do you have any idea what your government pays me per hour? If they knew I'd just wasted twenty precious minutes _hiking,_ there would be a Congressional inquiry,") but not enough for him to actually be tired, because for all his complaints he was actually in good shape, not boot camp fit but certainly survival fit. Then, with no warning, they got to the crest of the gentle slope they'd been walking up and saw the city below them, in a deep round lush valley ringed by deceptively tall hills, laid out in a familiar snowflake shape, white stone bright in the sun like a splash of milk in a green bowl. Rodney stopped talking mid-word and yanked his scanner out from its quick-access pocket on his pack.

"That looks pretty Ancient," John said. The graceful top of the central tower was just a little lower than the tops of the hills; it was like standing in the sky. "You think that could be our educational outpost?"

Rodney looked up from his scanner, eyes gleaming. "I don't know about education, but there's something down there," he said, pointing down at a very promising looking spiky graph on the scanner display. "Definitely Ancient, and definitely powerful. There is a distinct possibility that this mission may not turn out to be a complete waste of time after all," and that, from Rodney, was saying something.

"Awesome," John said. "Let's go check it out."

The main path wound down into the valley in a gently sloping spiral, but branched off into a flight of narrow stone steps that led straight down to the city. Rodney, his eyes fixed firmly on his scanner, started down the stairs without hesitation, grumbling about stupid Ancients who didn't think to install transporters, or even elevators, when they built cities at the bottoms of life-threatening ravines. A few steps down, he turned and gestured irritably at them with the scanner. "Well, come on," he said. "Someone has to be there to pick me up when I hurtle to my messy and inevitable death."

John grinned. "Sure you don't want us to go in front and break your fall, McKay?"

"That might be nice, except that you've suddenly decided to _dawdle_ ," Rodney said, rolling his eyes. "Might I remind you of the enormous Ancient energy readings at the bottom of these horrifying stairs? Untold scientific advances are waiting to be made and named in honor of me, and I want to get home in time for dinner tonight. Chop chop," he said, and started down again.

John shrugged, and he, Teyla, and Ronon fell into step behind Rodney - a novel sensation, and not an unpleasant one. John always found Rodney fun to watch when he got like this. It was annoying how he seemed to be able to do three things at once, toggling between several settings on the scanner and comparing it to the tablet he had somehow managed to extract from his pack, all while scrambling down the steps sure-footed as a mountain goat. It was only when he was paying attention to his feet, John thought, that Rodney was clumsy; the result of overthinking things, not lack of coordination. Of course, Rodney had come a long way with his physical conditioning since he'd started going offworld regularly, which helped. 

They made it to the bottom of the steps without incident, and found themselves on a wide street, paved with smooth, well-fitted blocks of the same white stone that the buildings were made of. Colorful awnings shaded the windows and doorways, and the streets were moderately full of people, crossing between buildings or walking further into the city.

"Market's that way," Ronon said, pointing in the direction that most of the foot traffic was going. "If you want to talk to people, that's where you'll find them."

"The energy readings are strongest in the city center," Rodney said, not looking up from the scanner.

"Good," John said. "We'll kill two birds with one stone." 

Yentona City was nice, surprisingly nice in a way that very few places in Pegasus were. Of course, it was probably much easier to maintain an attractive city and a relaxed and friendly population if you weren't constantly worried about being eaten by Wraith. He felt almost angry for a moment, jaw clenching on bitterness on behalf of all the people they'd met who couldn't have this - the desperate people, the refugees, the mad scientists on Hoff, even, a little, the paranoid, xenophobic Genii. Still, John understood on an intellectual level why Pegasus would try to preserve this place as a haven for those who were most in need. He could even see why people found the place relaxing. The weather was good, the people they passed on the street kept smiling at them, and the city itself was oddly attractive, with unmistakeably Ancient bones but warmed and worn and made welcoming by who-knows-how-many generations of humans. Maybe, if all went well and no disasters occurred, they'd be able to negotiate with the Bat'yeno to set up a beta site here, or at least to send people here for shore leave.

The street widened and opened out into a large plaza with a fountain in the middle, colorful stalls lining the edges, people everywhere, talking and smiling, but in a sort of quiet, respectful way, and John remembered that Yentona was technically a holy city. 

Rodney was busily poking at his scanner without looking up, and John had to go grab him by his pack and yank him backwards to stop him walking straight into the fountain.

"What was that for?" Rodney demanded, whirling angrily around.

"You were going to step in the fountain, Rodney," John said, and grinned a little when Rodney spluttered in denial.

"I was not! I was completely aware of my surroundings. And besides, even if I had been going to step in the fountain, you couldn't have just told me instead of grabbing me and _dislocating my shoulder?_ "

"You were kind of preoccupied," John said, nodding at the scanner.

"Oh, because heaven forbid that I should be _doing my job_ ," Rodney snapped. He took a deep breath, obviously gearing up for an eloquent rant on the topic of overworked scientists whose genius was not properly appreciated, then stopped short, wrinkling his nose. "Wait, is that - do you smell _cookies?_ "

John inhaled, obligingly, and huh, there was something spicy and sweet hanging in the air. "I think so, actually," he said, looking around for the source. "Kind of like - snickerdoodles?"

"Or gingersnaps," Rodney agreed, looking down at his scanner as though pondering whether it could be adapted to locate baked goods instead of energy signatures. "Where are they?" He looked around wildly before grabbing John's arm and dragging him bodily over to a nearby stall, where a tall woman with short brown hair was tending a tray of definitely cookie-like objects under a cheerful scarlet canopy.

"Welcome to Yentona," she said, looking a little taken aback by Rodney's obvious cookie-lust. "May I help you?" And that was when you generally had to start bargaining, and John was bitterly annoyed by the Pegasus Galaxy's lack of a standardized currency; he wanted to just buy a cookie without having to have an extended conversation about it.

"We are very pleased to be here," Teyla was saying, and God bless Teyla, because she was complimenting the woman on how wonderful the cookies smelled, and the woman was insisting they each have a sample to welcome them on their pilgrimage, or something.

The cookies were tiny, dark golden brown and crispy, and they smelled like Christmas and tasted nearly as good, complex and spicy. John looked over at Rodney and nodded - he couldn't taste anything citrusy- and Rodney flashed him a grateful look before taking a bite.

The blissed-out look that spread over his face as he chewed was kind of funny, but when his eyes fluttered shut and he let out a soft little moan, John felt kind of awkward. You shared a lot of things when you were on a field team with a guy, but this was a bit much; John felt suddenly, irrationally sure that this was what Rodney looked like when he jerked off, and that was knowledge that he just plain didn't need.

The cookie baker (her name was Lori or Ona or something like that, she'd told Teyla while John was busy being distracted by Rodney's disproportionate reaction to baked goods) was watching Rodney curiously as he ate.

"I am gratified that you find such pleasure in my work," she said. 

Rodney swallowed the last bite and beamed at her. "That was delicious," he said, radiating sincerity, eyes wide. "You are obviously a woman of phenomenal talent, Lora, and I should know; I have a very sensitive palate," and here John snorted, because really, Rodney was certainly _picky_ but not really that discerning; the only person on Atlantis with a less sensitive palate was Ronon, who had spent seven years as a Runner eating bugs and sticks. He elbowed Rodney in the side, earning an offended "ow!" and a glare from Rodney, who had been trying to convince an increasingly-bewildered Lora ( _Lora,_ that was it, and wasn't it just typical that Rodney would finally bother to remember someone's name when cookies were involved?) that he was a supertaster.

"That's great, Rodney," he said, pasting on a smile, "but didn't we come here for something besides cookies?"

Lora looked from John to Rodney, her eyes falling to the clay tokens around their necks, and her face lit up. "Oh!" she said, delighted. "Have you come in search of the Knowing?"

"Um," John said, eyes darting to Teyla, who gave an infinitesimal shrug. "Yes? I mean, we are here to learn things. So we can... know them."

"You'll be wanting the Temple, then," she said. "Ask to speak to Mal'esh." She beamed at them, and gave Rodney another cookie. "May your thirst for Knowledge be quenched by the Blessing," she said formally.

"Thank you," Rodney said, clutching his cookie rather melodramatically to his chest. John nodded, smiling at Lora. "Well, we'd better get going," he said, steering Rodney gently away by an elbow.

"Right!" Rodney said. "You know, so we can get... quenched." He waited until they were out of earshot, then beamed at them. 

"I love this planet," he said. "Do you know how rare it is to find a civilization with a proper appreciation of the importance of intellectual endeavor? And I include our own civilization in that assessment. These people are obviously unusually perceptive. If they understood the full extent of my genius..."

"They would revere you as a god," John said dryly. "However, I would like to point out that the last several times you were like a god to someone, they tried to kidnap you, so it's maybe not such a good idea."

"Last time we had to blow up a Temple," Teyla said severely. "Our trade relations on Yuvan may never recover."

"It would be a pity to lose the ability to trade for those cookies," Rodney conceded.

"Perhaps we should proceed to the Temple next," Teyla said, and Rodney perked up.

"Yes, excellent," he said. "Those energy readings were smack in the middle - probably in that central tower somewhere." He sighed. "With my luck, at the top of a huge deathtrap of a staircase."

"Temple it is, then," John said. "But McKay - don't touch anything unless they say we can? I don't want to have to explain to Elizabeth if we accidentally blaspheme anything else." It always made him nervous when the Ancient stuff was in a Temple, or a sacred cave, or a holy pond, or whatever; people tended to get really touchy over religious stuff.

[they follow the readings to the temple]

[they meet the priestess]

[they find out that only way in is to either take a vow of religious service or be asking the Ancestors to bless your marriage. There is, of course, a ceremony involved.]

[they retreat off down the road to discuss options]

The day had started out so well, John thought forlornly. He really should have taken that as a sign to look out for impending disaster. He had a good sense of pattern recognition, after all, and he had been present during the past however many hundred missions his team has gone on in Pegasus. He should have known better than to think that a mission to a beautiful, peaceful planet with good food and a brisk tourist trade could possibly end in anything but tears.

"Are you sure you have to inspect the temple from the _inside?_ " he asked, not really hoping.

"For the last time, Colonel, _yes,_ " Rodney hissed. "I showed you the readings; there's something big in there. It could be anything! It could be a _ship_ ," he said, raising an eyebrow triumphantly, and that just wasn't fair, using that against him. That was fighting dirty. Because there wouldn't be a ship; there was never a ship, or a shield, or a laser cannon, or even a stash of cool handguns, in any of these places they looked, because the Ancients sucked, basically, and didn't believe in fun.

"And you really think this is worth getting _married_ for?"

Rodney gave him his You Are An Unspeakable Moron glare. "It's not like it _counts,"_ he said. "You just tick the box on the mission report form saying you don't wish the marriage to be ratified."

John stared. He knew he was kind of haphazard with his paperwork sometimes, but- "There's a tickybox for alien weddings?"

"It's under the _Diplomatically Necessary Engagement in Non-Earth Cultural Ceremonies_ section," Rodney said. "Don't you read your own reports?"

"I usually just skip to the end and summarize everything in the comments box," John admitted.

Rodney looked at him aghast, as though he had just admitted to some horrible atrocity involving, say, kittens. "You do realize that you are corrupting the metadata," he said. "How are we supposed to do any kind of helpful statistical analysis when--"

"OK, fine!" John interrupted, trying to head Rodney off. "But I can't believe you aren't more freaked out about this. You-- you hate ceremonies!"

"I hate pointless wastes of my extremely valuable time," Rodney said, "which- oh, hey! is exactly what is going on _right now_. The ceremony is idiotic; we all know that. But since our boss generally frowns on us shooting the locals unless they started it, we have to do the ceremony to see the shiny, pulsing, energy-emitting Ancient technology that is lighting up my scanner, so marry me or I'll get someone else to, I don't care, just make up your damn mind already. If we don't start soon we'll never make it home in time for dinner. It's pizza day," Rodney added wistfully. "And you _know_ those bastards won't save us any."

"I'll marry you, McKay," Ronon offered. "I like pizza."

"No!" John blurted, feeling far more upset at the thought of Rodney fake-marrying Ronon than he cared to dwell on. They all stared at him, and he felt his ears getting hot. "I mean, um, I think she thought Rodney and I were - so she might think it was weird and not let us in," he said. "So, I guess I'll have to."

Everyone was quiet for a moment, then Rodney clapped his hands together, making John jump. "All right then," Rodney said. "Let's go tell, um-"

"Mal'esh," Teyla supplied.

"Mal'esh the happy news." Rodney started off towards the temple, poking his scanner and muttering to himself.

"Congratulations," Ronon said gravely. The corner of his mouth twitched faintly.

John groaned, and followed Rodney down the street toward the temple courtyard, hating his life.

The Bat'ye priestess was, indeed, delighted to hear that John and Rodney would be availing themselves of her services after all. 

"Your lives will be enriched by the Blessing of the Ancestors," she assured them.

"We certainly hope so," Rodney said, then scowled when Teyla poked him in the ribs with one of her pointy elbows. The priestess beamed.

"The Ancestors reward those who seek wisdom with an open heart," she said approvingly.

"Oh that's Rodney, all right," John said. "His heart never closes."

"If you will follow me, Rodney," the priestess said over Rodney's indignant sputtering, "I will lead you and your Protector to the Chamber of Seeking."

"I'll go," Ronon offered, and John nodded in agreement. Ronon looked nice and Protector-y, after all, and John selfishly kind of wanted to keep Teyla with him; if he was going to have to go through this entire humiliating experience he wanted to make sure he got it right the first time. The only thing worse than fake-marrying your teammate was having to re-fake-marry him later because you managed to screw it up somehow and invalidate the whole thing.

"So," he said to Teyla, watching as the priestess led Rodney and Ronon into a side room, "I guess that makes you the best man."

"Surely that does not come as a surprise," Teyla said, with the look of perfect innocence she always had when she was pulling a fast one on somebody. 

John grinned at her. "I just hope there really is something useful in that temple, or we'll all have to listen to McKay bitch the whole way home."

Teyla arched an eyebrow.

"Yeah, again, I know, not exactly a new experience." The priestess was coming back towards them, feathered headdress nodding gently as she walked. She smiled beatifically.

"Colonel Sheppard," she said, "please allow me to say how deeply honored we are that you and your beloved have chosen to consecrate your joining with the Blessing of the Ancestors."

John turned his snort into a coughing fit, just in time. "Thanks," he gasped, trying to look sincere. "We're, um, very honored ourselves. To be... blessed."

"Colonel Sheppard and Doctor McKay hold the Ancestors in great reverence," Teyla chimed in, surreptitiously pinching the back of John's arm, and he nodded. The priestess looked a little teary-eyed.

"This is indeed a blessed day," she said, and made some sort of complicated gesture in their direction, bangles jingling. John hoped he wasn't supposed to do anything back and concentrated on looking reverent and trying not to laugh.

"Please follow me to the Waiting Chamber," the priestess said, moving toward a room opposite the one she'd put Rodney in. John and Teyla followed. "Shall you be requiring attendants to prepare you?"

"No!" John said. "Um. I mean, Teyla can prepare me. She's great at preparation," and he maybe sounded a little desperate, but come on, he was already undergoing a _freaky Pegasus shotgun wedding_ to _Rodney McKay_ ; he didn't want any more weirdness than he absolutely had to have.

"I shall indeed be honored to prepare Colonel Sheppard to receive the Blessing," Teyla said smoothly, shooting him a dirty look behind the priestess' back, the look that said _I can't take you people anywhere_.

"Ah, an honor indeed, to be with your friend at such a time!"  The priestess beamed at them, opening the door. "I will return for you at the appointed hour. Blessings be upon you on this joyous day!"

"Thanks!" John said, scooting inside the room. "Thanks very much. We're looking forward to it," and then Teyla was there, closing the door behind her, and thank God, he didn't have to smile anymore for a while. He looked around the room, and blinked. "Um, Teyla?" he asked. "Is it just me, or is this planet a lot more, um, decorated than the ones we usually go to?"

Teyla looked around. The high ceilings and tall stained glass windows had a definitely Ancient flavor, which was encouraging, but the Ancient influence seemed to end there. The room was covered in hangings and cushions and shiny little tchotchkes, colors rioting everywhere, fringe and spangles; it looked like a bordello decorated by Elton John. There was even a big gold thing in one corner of the room sitting on a platform that was either an esoteric sculpture or a giant golden bathtub.

"The Bat'yeno believe that sensual meditation brings one into alignment with the Ancestors," she said. "It is much visited by those who would... practice their meditative disciplines."

John snorted. "Is that what they're calling it these days," he said. 

Teyla smiled. "Well, it is possible that some of the visitors are less religiously inclined," she conceded.

There was a tap at the door, and John hastily arranged his face into what he hoped was a suitable look for a guy who was about to ask the Ancestors to bless his marriage. Teyla answered the door, opening it to admit a small cluster of what John assumed to be junior priests, based on how they were dressed less like Cher and more like, maybe, Cher's backup dancers. They were pulling in a cart full of assorted chests and jugs. One of the priests pulled Teyla aside and launched into a spirited conversation complete with illustrative hand gestures. From the way he kept glancing over his shoulder at him, John guessed that he was somehow the topic of conversation. At the same time, the other priests were unpacking. John tried to look as though he was busy meditating or something; he'd found that would keep most of the weirder people they met on missions from trying to talk to him. It seemed to work here as well; at any rate, they eventually finished what they were doing and left again.

"That was weird," he told Teyla.

"The Bat'yeno are a very hospitable people," she said. "Rye'sq was very helpful in explaining the preparation requirements for the marriage ceremony." She gave him a calm look, one of the ones that meant trouble was coming but she was prepared to fight it. "The acolytes will return in half an hour to prepare your ritual bath." She nodded at the thing in the corner, which apparently was a giant golden bathtub after all.

"Wait, my _what?_ "

"I of course explained to Rye'sq that your people have a strong nudity taboo," Teyla continued, ignoring him, "and he has agreed that it will be acceptable to the Ancestors on this occasion for me to perform the cleansing prayers in his stead."

[John will not take a ritual bath]

[John gets dressed]

[John escorted out]

[procession to temple chamber]

[they approach the door]

[ceremony begins. There is a junior priest there in spangly robes who keeps playing little fanfares on something very like a kazoo.]

\---

"That's a beautiful gown, Rodney," John whispered out of the corner of this mouth. "What is that, Vera Wang?"

Rodney scowled. "You're one to talk. Where'd that jumpsuit come from, Liberace's estate sale?"

"Touché, McKay," John said, and then Teyla poked him hard in the kidney, and he shut up. The funny thing was, though, that Rodney actually did look pretty good in his robey thing, which was bright blue with some kind of gold stuff at the hems, with a little standing collar and wide sleeves; it brought out the color of his eyes and fell in graceful folds from his broad shoulders. He looked a little like a really colorful Jedi. He'd never mention that to Rodney, though. People in gold lamé jumpsuits needed all the defensive ammunition they could get.

The priestess was saying something about the joyous union of two souls. The kazoo guy kept playing little happy trills at appropriate moments.

\---

[they exchange vows]

[they open the temple door]

[they approach the Ancient tech]

"Now _that's_ what I'm talking about," Rodney breathed, perking up. The Vessel was definitely Ancient, and pretty impressive looking even by those standards, tall and crystalline and shining with pulses of internal light.

"What do you think it is?"

"Hmm," Rodney said, moving closer. "It definitely takes two operators. Actually it looks a little like the Ancient data storage modules - just bigger." He looked up suddenly, eyes gleaming. "Maybe it's a database," he said. "This could be a redundant backup - we might be able to recover some of the information that was corrupted on Atlantis."

"Weapons schematics? _Ship_ schematics?" John felt a little thrill.

"Won't know until we turn it on," Rodney said, reaching toward one of the activation plates.

"On three," John said. "One, two, three-" and placed his hand on the plate and thought _on_ , and then there was a blinding flash of amber light, and John thought, _shit, not again_ , as his vision went dark.

He fuzzed to consciousness again, probably not too long afterward, judging from how he was still lying on the floor, and by how the initial yelling seemed to still be going on. He heard McKay groaning over to his right.

"Ow," he said, opening his eyes. Teyla was up in the priestess' face, and Ronon was looming threateningly at the kazoo guy. "What happened?"

Ronon glanced down, his expression lightening a little. "Mal'esh was just explaining to us why the Blessing of the Ancestors knocked you out."

"And why she did not warn us of this effect ahead of time," Teyla said, in her _I am not yelling because it would sap the energy I need to kick your ass_ voice.

"But I've been trying to explain, Colonel Sheppard, it is the Blessing!" the priestess explained. "This is the strongest Blessing I have witnessed in my entire service here. You both must be extremely favored by the Ancestors!" 

"Um, Sheppard," Rodney said.

"Hang on," John said, not looking over. He sat up, biting back a groan. His head was killing him. "What do you mean by that, exactly?"

"Sheppard, there is a _problem_ here," Rodney said. "Look at me, dammit!"

"You have been granted the Knowing," the priestess said, eyes glowing, as John looked over to see what was bugging McKay.

Who was still out cold.

"You see now what I mean by _problem_ ," Rodney said, his voice tight, his mouth shut and his eyes closed and absolutely, positively not conscious.

"You will be able to Know your beloved in ways of which the unfavored can only dream," the priestess was saying, misty-eyed, and oh fuck, the _fucking_ Ancients had put _Rodney McKay inside his brain_.

"It's not like I'm any happier about this, you know," Rodney said, sounding insulted. "It feels weird in here. When was the last time you ate?"

[they are eventually left alone with the Vessel to "experience the Knowing"]

Before they left, John had Ronon help him transfer Rodney's body from the floor to the excruciatingly decorated bed, McKay bitching at him the entire time ("OW! OK, I can feel that, that's weird - be _careful,_ you just clonked my head! I need that to revolutionize physics!") Once Rodney was settled, Ronon and Teyla shooed the Bat'yeno out, then hovered at the door reluctantly.

"We will remain just outside the door," Teyla said, looking like she hoped John would change his mind and ask them both to stay. For a moment, John was tempted, but then he remembered the almost disturbing excitement that Mal'esh had had when she talked about the Knowing and decided that the situation contained far too much mortification potential ("Oh, thanks a lot," Rodney said, sounding oddly insulted, "at least the aliens didn't all assume you were the _bride_ ,") to allow potential witnesses, no matter how close their ties, to remain.

"Let's just try it this way first," John said. "Apparently they don't know too many people with the gene here, so maybe I'll be able to just turn it off or something." Rodney snorted; being inside his brain and all, he was fully aware that John had been thinking _off off off_ , desperately, for the last ten minutes.

Teyla looked at him gravely, worried but accepting. "Very well," she said. "We will wait for a time."

"No more than an hour," Ronon said. "Then you check in, or we break down the door."

John nodded. "Sounds good," he said.

Teyla looked into his eyes, deep and unsettling, like she was looking through him. "Dr. McKay," she said, and John realized that she _was_. "Can you speak?"

John felt something, like the mental equivalent of someone knocking on a half-closed door. "OK," he thought, "come in," and then he felt himself gently pulled _away_ somewhere, and Rodney started talking with his mouth. It was a horrible feeling, like being paralyzed; he could see and hear but not move, not control anything, and what if Rodney couldn't switch back and-- 

"Hang on," he heard Rodney say to Teyla, and it was deeply, deeply wrong to hear his own voice speaking in Rodney's clipped accent, "Colonel Control Freak is having a hissy fit back here," and then Rodney's focus pulled inwards somehow, and John felt as though Rodney had taken hold of his shoulders- he could feel the warm weight of Rodney's hands.

"Calm _down,_ " Rodney said. "You're giving us a headache."

"Sorry," John managed, trying not to grab hold of Rodney (he was so calm, how was he so calm? Rodney was never calm). "It's--"

"Disorienting, I know," Rodney said. "But it won't actually cause either of us any harm in the short term unless we fight each other. Don't worry, I know what I'm doing," and John realized that, yes, Rodney knew _exactly_ what he was doing, as utterly bizarre as that was; he felt really bad that he hadn't been more understanding during the whole Cadman incident.

"All right?" Rodney said.

"Yeah," John said, and then Rodney pulled back again; it still felt really strange but it was a little less frightening now.

"Really," Rodney was saying, waving John's hands around emphatically in a way that John's hands had never been waved before, "this is a wonderful scientific opportunity, giving control of the Colonel's gene to someone of my intelligence and technical skill; I wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't what the device was originally intended for, actually - it certainly wasn't meant to be some sort of Ancient couples' therapy, since their solution for every problem seems to have been 'Ascend and hope it goes away.'"

"Say the word, and we'll stun the priests and make a break for it," Ronon said.

"If it comes to that, you'll be the first to know," Rodney promised. "Now go on, before they think we're having some sort of disturbing honeymoon orgy in here and try to come watch."

When the door had closed behind Ronon and Teyla, Rodney let out a deep breath and sagged against the wall.

"It feels incredibly odd in here," Rodney said. "I think the last time I had a heart rate this low I was unconscious. Here, you drive for a while," and then just like that, with a feeling like Rodney had brushed by him in a narrow hall, he was back in control of his body. He jolted in surprise, and would have fallen on his ass if Rodney hadn't pre-leaned them for his convenience.

[Rodney makes John do tests, etc. Science!]

[Rodney discovers that somehow the only way out is for John to have sex with Rodney, for some reason about aligning the biorhythms or whatever, blah blah technobabble.]

[so they do]

[relationship developments occur]

[they are fixed, hooray!]

[they get some Ancient goodies to take home - info? or promise of access from priestess?]

[Then the idea was originally to end with John filling out the report form, properly this time, and hesitating over whether to tick the tickybox saying he doesn't want to ratify the marriage.]

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
